Sometimes, I wish I wasn’t so sensitive.
People say:
“It’ll get better”
“Oh don’t worry so much.”
“Don’t listen to them they don’t matter.”
And worst of all: “You’ll get used to it, grow a thicker skin.”
Gosh, I HATE THAT COMMENT SO MUCH. Since I don’t. I always hurt from comments that tear and rip into my mind like nails on a chalkboard. I’m so sensitive and not to everything but enough that even if I don’t say anything it still hurts…And I HATE it so much.
Sometimes, I wish I could cut out the parts of me that are so SENSITIVE and NAIVE and KIND and CARE. That I could tear them to shreds and burn them with oil or watch them explode in a burning star. I wish I didn’t care so much. That for once in my life I could be selfish and take and not give a care about it.
Since caring hurts, because the people you love or care for might not understand or cannot understand that you love them and will bleed or die or trade lives with them in order to take on their suffering so they don’t feel as terrible. That you wish they stopped trying so hard for you, or maybe you wish they would care a little more for the times you worry to death for them, and they understand you just get so messed up in the head because you CARE. Gosh, I sometimes I didn’t care FOR ONCE. So I can stop hurting so much. So I won’t stop turning my mind in circles wondering what I did wrong, if I can help, and so on.
(Are they ok? Can they forgive my imperfections? Why am I so useless when all I do is be there? Why am I not as talented so I can help? Why can’t they understand why I care so much? It hurts they don’t understand but I understand why they don’t understand so why am I still so hurt? Why am I so silly? Why? Why? Why?!)
But I can’t. Or I won’t.
Since no one deserves not to be cared for, no one deserves to not feel like they’re worth loving or hoping, or being there. Since why be unhappy when you can have cake?
Well, jokes aside…I told myself a long time ago I’ll do my best to be there for others, to care and love, be kind and hope, and not take for granted the amazing people in my life. The ones I’ve meet, will meet, and may never met because I’ve NEVER met a person who didn’t deserve to exist.
So even if I, in my double standard nature, think I don’t really deserved to be loved. I want others to know they are. If someone feels like they don’t deserve love or to be forgiven for some unforgivable thing or cared or understood. Well, this is the unforeseeable, I forgive you.
Since the world has enough hate, even in the midst of my turmoil I hope that everyone will be able to find a little peace. Maybe…maybe someday I will too. Maybe comments of the hurtful kind, intentionally or not, won’t hurt someday. But even if it doesn’t, even if I feel like someone took a knife to my heart and poured salt over the wound or cut my eyes out. I’ll still do my best to hope for others, to be there. I’m not being naive, not with what I’ve seen.
Since as the Doctor said once, you take the hurt you see the world, hold it close to your hearts and swear to never let it happen again. Even if you can’t save the world, if you can save one person or even yourself. Maybe brighten one person’s day or give a person a compliment. Maybe, believe in yourself for once. Or take tiny rebellious stands in life or be daring once in awhile. You can and should accept that you’re not perfect and that’s ok because you were born and are alive today because you are STRONG enough for it.
Don’t give up. It’s ok to give up once and awhile though, the power to admit weakness means you’re honest and strong enough to work on said possible flaw. (and it might not even be a flaw! Maybe it’s a secret gift in disguise!) Don’t give up in the long run though, since I promise you. A Sora Hono Promise, that life goes on. So to all my fellow sensitive people and dreamers, writers and mathematics, scientists and future business scary people….I wish you a good night, and happy dreams.
Daily Muses of a Pensive Poet 